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Football Jokes, or Non-football Jokes
The first 90 minutes of a football match are the most important
The ageless Dennis Wise, now in his thirties... (Martin Tyler)
And Blackburn have made an immediate start to this game (John Motson)
52,000 people here at Maine Road tonight, but my goodness me, it
seems like 50,000 (Byron Butler)
That now means that from the British point of view, Anderlecht lead
3-2 (Byron Butler)
There were two second division matches last night, both in the second
division (Dominic Allen)
Despite the rain, it's still raining here at Old Trafford (Jimmy
We have been saying this, both pre season and before the season
started (Len Ashurst)
We go into the second half with United 1-0 up, so the game is perfectly
balanced (Peter Jones)
Well Terry, can you tell us where you are in the league, how far
are you ahead of the second team? (Ian St John)
Runners up at Wembley four times, never bride always the bridegrooms,
Leicester (Peter Jones)
Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go,
but then they equalised (Ian McNail)
Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn't one of them
It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable
whether it was inside or outside the box (Bobby Charlton)
Believe it or not, goals can change a game (Mike Channon)
Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net
Well Kerry, you're 19 and you're a lot older than a lot of people
younger than yourself (Mike Gray)
It was a good match, which could have gone either way and very nearly
did (Jim Sherwin)
Oh, he had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over
it (Martin Tyler)
Everything in our favour was against us (Danny Blanchflower)
The scoreline didn't really reflect the outcome (Tony Gubba)
A win tonight is the minimum City must achieve (Alan Parry)
I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself (Joe Royle)
Interviewer: In your new book, Pat, you've devoted a whole chapter
to Jimmy Greaves
Pat Jennings: Yes that's right, well what can you say about Jimmy
I am a firm believer that if you score one goal the other team have
to score two to win (Howard Wilkinson)
Dickie Davies: What's he going to be telling his team at half time
Denis Law: He'll be telling them that there are 45 minutes left
We are really quite lucky this year because Christmas falls on Christmas
Day (Bobby Gould)
Wilkins sends an inch perfect pass to no one in particular (Byron
And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he
scored last season (Alan Parry)
I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in (Terry Venables)
If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half time, it was concentration
and focus (Ron Atkinson)
They'll perhaps finish in the top three. I can't see them finishing
any higher (Don Howe)
Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw (Ron Atkinson)
If Glenn Hoddle had been any other nationality, he would have had
70 or 80 caps for England. (John Barnes)
Kevin Keegan said if he had a blank sheet of paper, five names would
be on it (Alvin Martin)
And for those of you watching without television sets, live commentary
is on Radio 2 (David Coleman)
The one thing England have got is spirit, resolve, grit and determination
Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning
When Scholes gets it [tackling] wrong, they come in so late that
they arrive yesterday (Ron Atkinson)
Their manager, Terry Neil, isn't here today, which suggests he is
elsewhere. (Brian Moore)
With the very last kick of the game, Bobby McDonald scored with
a header. (Alan Parry)
Well, it's Ipswich nil, Liverpool two, and if that's the way the
score stays then you've got to fancy Liverpool to win. (Peter Jones)
You couldn't have counted the number of moves Alan Ball made . .
. I counted four and possibly five. (John Motson)
When one team scores early in the game, it often takes an early
lead. (Pat Marsden)
And Meade had a hat-trick. He scored two goals. (Richard Whitmore)
It will be a shame if either side lose. And that applies to both
sides. (Jock Brown)
Nearly all the Brazilian players are wearing yellow shirts. It's
a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour. (John Motson)
And so they have not been able to improve on their hundred percent
record. (Sports Roundup)
I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won
the League. (Mark Viduka)
I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd. (Johnny
Sometimes in football you have to score goals. (Thierry Henri)
It was like the referee had a brand new yellow card and wanted to
see if it worked. (Richard Rufus)
There's no in-between - you're either good or bad. We were in-between.
Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties
or thirties. (Kevin Keegan)
You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw. (Kevin
There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight. (Kevin Keegan)
One of his strengths is not heading. (Kevin Keegan)
Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.
The tide is very much in our court now. (Kevin Keegan)
A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and
it nearly came off. (Kevin Keegan)
That decision, for me, was almost certainly definitely wrong. (Kevin
The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World
Cup comes around, if they're not careful. (Kevin Keegan)
England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are
second-to-none. (Kevin Keegan)
I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room
at half-time. (Kevin Keegan)
They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher
praise than that. (Kevin Keegan)
Football's always easier when you've got the ball. (Kevin Keegan)
The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23. (Kevin Keegan)
We managed to wrong a few rights. (Kevin Keegan)
Tony Adams - he's the rock that the team has grown from. (Ron Atkinson)
I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit
of a lifetime for that prat. (Ron Atkinson)
I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona.
They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like
him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different. (Kevin
The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early
in the game. (Kevin Keegan)
I'm not disappointed - just disappointed. (Kevin Keegan)
We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first
half. (Kevin Keegan)
He's using his strength and that is his strength, his strength.
I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same toady, except
that it's totally different. (Kevin Keegan)
I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner
is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.
In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg. (Kevin Keegan)
I don't think they're as good as they are. (Kevin Keegan)
Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.
There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams,
who won't be playing tomorrow. (Kevin Keegan)
I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. (Stuart Pearce)
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow
strip. (John Motson)
The World Cup is a truly International event. (John Motson)
I think this could be our best victory over Germany since the war.
The goals made such a difference to the way this game went. (John
That shot might not have been as good as it might have been. (John
The match has become quite unpredictable, but it still looks as
though Arsenal will win the cup. (John Motson)
Not the first half you might have expected, even though the score
might suggest that it was. (John Motson)
And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction.
That's an old Ipswich move - O'Callaghan crossing for Mariner to
drive over the bar. (John Motson)
Bruce has got the taste of Wembley in his nostrils. (John Motson)
So different from the scenes in 1872, at the cup final none of us
can remember. (John Motson)
I was about to say before something far more interesting interrupted....
It looks like a one man show here, although there are two men involved.
It's Arsenal 0 - Everton 1, and the longer it stays like that the
more you've got to fancy Everton. (John Motson)
And what a time to score. Twenty two minutes gone. (John Motson)
Pele was a complete player. I didn't see him live obviously because
I wasn't born. (David Beckham)
My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7. (David
Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's
the best manager I've ever had. (David Beckham)
We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't
know into which religion. (David Beckham)
Denis Law once kicked me at Wembley in front of the Queen in an
international. I mean, no man is entitled to do that, really. (Bobby
We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought.
Look at those olive trees. They're two hundred years old - from
before the time of Christ. (Bobby Robson)
I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side,
and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football.
Players never know why they are taken off or substituted - until
they become managers. (Bobby Robson)
They're two points behind us, so we're neck and neck. (Bobby Robson)
Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even
though they have been under the gun. (Bobby Robson)
If we start counting our chickens before they hatch, they won't
lay any eggs in the basket. (Bobby Robson)
I would have given my right arm to be a pianist. (Bobby Robson)
I do want to play the short ball and I do want to play the long
ball. I think long and short balls is what football is all about.
Their football was exceptionally good - and they played some good
football. (Bobby Robson)
In a year's time he's a year older. (Bobby Robson)
Some of the goals were good, some of the goals were sceptical. (Bobby
Anything from 1-0 to 2-0 would be a nice result. (Bobby Robson)
I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to
lead Newcastle out at the final. (Bobby Robson)
There will be a game where somebody scores more than Brazil and
that might be the game that they lose. (Bobby Robson)
For a player to ask for a transfer has opened everybody's eyebrows.
If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room get out of the
kitchen. (Terry Venables)
It was never part of our plans not to play well, it just happened
that way. (Terry Venables)
Apart from their goals, Norway haven't scored. (Terry Venables)
It may have been going wide but nevertheless it was a great shot
on target. (Terry Venables)
They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around.
I'd like to play for an Italian club like Barcelona. (Mark Draper)
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I
just squandered. (George Best)
Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales. (Ron Greenwood)
I am not Pele or Maradona. (Robbie Savage)
Dennis Wise, Vinnie Jones and John Fashanu must be turning in their
graves. (Carlton Palmer)
Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win. (Vinnie Jones)
When you are 4-0 up you should never lose 7-1. (Lawrie McMenemy)
I can't even remember when the 70's was. (Robbie Keane)
The beauty of Cup football is that Jack always has a chance of beating
Goliath. (Terry Butcher)
Kicked wide of the goal with such precision. (Des Lynam)
I'd kick my own brother if necessary...it's what being a professional
footballer is all about. (Steve McMahon)
I wish people could live on the moon so we could send all the crazy
people there. (Emmanuel Petit)
The man who comes to take care of my piranhas told me that if I
left West Ham he would kill all my fish. (Paolo Di Canio)
I want the fans to know that before I finish my career we are going
to win something. Otherwise I'll kill myself. (Paolo Di Canio)
I was feeling as sick as the proverbial donkey. (Mick McCarthy)
Manchester United are looking for Frank Stapleton to pull some magic
out of the fire. (Jimmy Hill)
If you stand still there is only one way to go, and that's backwards.
In fact that's Swindon's first win of any kind in nine matches.
The Brazilians aren't as good as they used to be, or as they are
now. (Kenny Dalglish)
Diego Maradona - a flawed genius who has now become a genius who
is flawed. (Bob Wilson)
And Wigan Athletic are certain to be promoted barring a mathematical
tragedy. (Tony Gubba)
Tempo, now there's a big word. (Barry Venison)
And Rush, quick as a needle...(Ron Jones)
The Dutch look like a huge jar of marmalade. (Barry Davies)
Manchester United are breathing down the heels of Liverpool now.
We signed to play until the day we died, and we did. (Jimmy Greaves)
When an Italian says it's pasta I check under the sauce to make
sure. They are innovators of the smokescreen. (Alex Ferguson)
Kevin Keegan has now tasted the other side of the fence. (Dave Merrington)
The club has literally exploded. (Ian Wright)
Paul Scholes - the most complete mental player I've ever seen. (Ben
Mick McCarthy will have to replace Cascarino because he's quickly
running out of legs. (Mark Lawrenson)
Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 Internationals
out there today. (Steve Lomas)
And Keegan was there like a surgeon's knife - bang. (Bryon Butler)
You can't really call yourselves giant-killers any more, as you
kill giants so often. (Bryon Butler)
Butcher goes forward as Ipswich throw their last trump card into
the fire. (Bryon Butler)
The immortal Jackie Milburn died today. (Cliff Morgan)
We had to come and roll our socks up. (Les Ferdinand)
Some of these players never dreamed they would be playing in a Cup
Final at Wembley, and now here they are fulfilling those dreams.
Billy Gilbert hit a kamikaze back pass which Justin Fashanu pounced
on like a black Frank Bruno. (Ian Darke)
He would have liked to have scored - he's that type of person. (Peter
I've never been thoughtful in my life and I'm not about to start
now. (Alan Shearer)
We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two.
I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed
on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up - then I remembered
he was out there playing. (Ade Akinbyi)
It's a case of him (Eric Cantona) losing les marbles. (Gary Lineker)
Hagi could open a tin of beans with his left foot. (Ray Clemence)
There's no width on the wings. (Andy Gray)
We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half. (David
The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's
eyes. (Steve Coppell)
To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. (Ruud Gullit)
The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with
those prayers five times a day.You don't know if they're going to
turn up for training. I'm being serious. (Don Howe)
He's chanced his arm with his left foot. (Trevor Brooking)
They've come out at half time and gone bang. (Ron Atkinson)
It's the end of season curtain raiser. (Peter Withe)
They're still in the game, and they're trying to get back into it.
Signori has all the tricks up his book. (Ray Wilkins)
It was one of those goals that's invariably a goal. (Denis Law)
I'd say he's the best in Europe, if you put me on the fence. (Bobby
Glenn is putting his head in the frying pan. (Ossie Ardiles)
We're not used to weather in June in this country. (Jimmy Hill)
England now have three fresh men, with three fresh legs. (Jimmy
A game is not won until it is lost. (David Pleat)
Wimbledon are putting balls into the blender. (Rodney Marsh)
Di Matteo's taken to playing in midfield like a duck out of water.
Poor Miklosko. Hasn't had to make a save yet he's let three goals
in. (Trevor Francis)
There's Bergkamp standing on the halfway line, with his hands on
his hips, flailing his arms about. (John Scales)
If England get a point, it will be a point gained as opposed to
two points lost. (Mark Lawrenson)
Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played
them twice. (Trevor Brooking)
[Phil Neville] was treading on dangerous water there... (Ron Atkinson)
Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded
a couple of goals. (Peter Withe)
That's twice now he [Terry Phelan] has got between himself and the
goal. (Brian Marwood)
Stoichkov is pointing at the bench with his eyes. (David Pleat)
I think it's that lack of width with his height. (Trevor Brooking)
I've had this sneaking feeling throughout the game that it's there
to be won... (Ron Atkinson)
If you just came into the room and didn't know who was who you'd
obviously say Newcastle looked the most likely to score. (Terry
I would also think that the replay showed it to be worse than it
actually was. (Ron Atkinson)
Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put
together. (Malcolm MacDonald)
The Arsenal defence is skating close to the wind. (Jack Charlton)
I think that was a moment of cool panic there. (Ron Atkinson)
Beckenbauer has really gambled all his eggs. (Ron Atkinson)
He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will
catch him. (Bobby Robson)
He has a great understanding of where the goalkeeper is in relationship
to the goal. (David Pleat)
With eight minutes left, the game could be won in the next five
or ten minutes. (Jimmy Armfield)
Brazil, the favourites - if they are the favourites, which they
are... (Brian Clough)
If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect
the same thing again. (Terry Venables)
He has got perfect control over the ball right up to the minute
he lets it go. (Peter Walker)
They're all on top of their game - fans and players alike. (David
They've missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads
in shame. (Ron Greenwood)
If you're going to score one goal or less, you're not going to get
your victories. (Trevor Brooking)
Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's
won't be any different. (Trevor Brooking)
That's football Mike - Northern Ireland have had several chances
and haven't scored, but England have had no chances and scored twice.
Fortunately, Paul Scholes' injury wasn't as bad as we'd hoped for.
It's end to end stuff, but from side to side. (Trevor Brooking)
He [Brian Laudrup] wasn't just facing one defender, he was facing
one at the front and one at the back as well. (Trevor Steven)
He'll be giving everything, but he hasn't got everything to give.
(Ian St John)
Football's football: If that weren't the case it wouldn't be the
game that it is. (Garth Crooks)
And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold.
It's one of the greatest goals ever, but I'm surprised that people
are talking about it being the goal of the season. (Andy Gray)
I think that their young legs would have found younger hearts inside
them. (Jimmy Armfield)
He's got a brain under his hair. (David Pleat)
If there are any managers out there with a bottomless pit, I'm sure
that they would be interested in these two Russians. (David Pleat)
Ronaldo is always very close to being either onside or offside.
There's no way that Ryan Giggs is another George Best: he's another
Ryan Giggs. (Denis Law)
Jimmy Hill: Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think
Germany has got of getting through?
Terry Venables: I think it's fifty – fifty.
They must go for it now as they have nothing to lose but the match.
He hit the post, and after the game people are going to say, well
he hit the post. (Jimmy Greaves)
Woodcock would have scored but his shot was too perfect. (Ron Atkinson)
Someone in the England team will have to grab the ball by the horns.
He's not only a good player, but he's spiteful in the nicest sense
of the word. (Ron Atkinson)
He held his head in his hands as it flashed past the post. (Alan
It's like a big Christmas pudding out there. (Don Howe)
Zola's got two feet. (David Pleat)
Venison and Butcher are as brave as two peas in a pod. (John Sillett)
He was as game as a pebble. (David Webb)
Once Tony Daley opens his legs, you've got a problem. (Howard Wilkinson)
Ray Wilkins' day will come one night. (Bobby Robson)
Most of the players will be wearing rubbers tonight. (Gary Lineker)
It wasn't a bad performance, but you can't tell whether it was good
or bad. (Jimmy Hill)
The keeper was coming out in instalments. (Joe Royle)
I'd like to see him scoring two or more goals in games which United
win 1-0. (Brian Woolnough)
They've come out with all cylinders flying. (Luther Blissett)
Germany are probably, arguably, undisputed champions of Europe.
The teams at the bottom of the premiership are conceding a lot of
goals and that's no coincidence. (Barry Venison)
I think that France, Germany, Spain, Holland and England will join
Brazil in the semi-finals. (Pele)
Fiorentina start the second half attacking their fans; just the
way they like things. (Ray Wilkins)
The Newcastle back three, back four, back five have been at sixes
and sevens. (Barry Venison)
He [Ian Wright] is missing the absence of Dennis [Bergkamp]. (Brian
It was a definite penalty but Wright made a right swan-song of it.
In the words of the old song, it's a long time from May to December
but, you know, it's an equally long time from December to May. (Jimmy
...and he [Peter Schmeichel] extends and grows even bigger than
he is. (Ron Atkinson)
I'd be surprised if all 22 players are on the field at the end of
the game - one's already been sent off. (George Best)
They've done the old-fashioned things well; they've kicked the ball,
they've headed it... (Ron Atkinson)
He [Beckham] has two feet, which a lot of players don't have nowadays.
Martin Keown is up everybody's backsides. (Trevor Brooking)
Preki quite literally only has the one foot. (David Pleat)
Like Jim Smith's (Derby) side this year, we were answering our own
questions. (Kevin Hector)
They've picked their heads up off the ground, and they now have
a lot to carry on their shoulders. (Ron Atkinson)
He sliced the ball when he had it on a plate. (Ron Atkinson)
I'm afraid they've left their legs at home. (Ron Atkinson)
I wouldn't be surprised if this game went all the way to the finish.
(Ian St John)
The Croatians don't play well without the ball. (Barry Venison)
He never fails to hit the target. But that was a miss. (Bobby Robson)
Manchester United have hit the ground running - albeit with a 3-0
defeat. (Bob Wilson)
That's no remedy for success. (Chris Waddle)
The World Cup is every four years, so it's going to be a perennial
problem. (Gary Lineker)
Emmanuel Petit has won more medals than any other player in the
Premiership this year, although Patrick Vieira's won the same medals.
The keeper was unsighted - he still didn't see it. (Ron Atkinson)
To be fair, I don't think Les Ferdinand was fouled there - I think
he went over on his own ability. (Alan Mullery)
Well, I've seen some tackles, Jonathan, but that was the ultimatum!
...Jurgen Klinsmann, who refutes to earn £25,000 a week. (Alan Mullery)
He's not going to adhere himself to the fans. (Alan Mullery)
It doesn't endow me, to be honest... (Alan Mullery)
I can't understand the notoriety of people. (Alan Mullery)
It's sometimes easier to defend a one goal lead than a two goal
lead. (Mark Lawrenson)
Zero-zero is a big score. (Ron Atkinson)
Pires has got something about him, he can go both ways depending
on who's facing him. (David Pleat)
Batistuta gets most of his goals with the ball. (Ian St John)
He just got his body between himself and the goal. (Ray Clemence)
Even if you tap it in from one yard it counts in the record books
as a goal, unlike the chances you miss. (Jimmy Hill)
Korsten is making a meal of it...er...that's clearly a penalty,
yes. (Trevor Francis)
For such a small man Maradona gets great elevation on his balls.
He's a great little player...who scored it again? (Jack Charlton)
They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way
they will go places. (John Gidman)
You're always going to be struggling if you haven't got a left foot.
That's a 14-15 pointer there if there ever was one. (Barry Venison)
There won't be a dry house in the place. (Mark Lawrenson)
The candle is still very much in the melting pot. (Alan McInally)
The Scots have really got their hands cut out tonight. (Trevor Francis)
When Celtic get an opportunity to go above Rangers they've got to
jump at it with both hands. (Alan Mullery)
Guppy has a dextrous left foot. (Bobby Robson)
You half fancied that to go in as it was rising and dipping at the
same time. (Ron Atkinson)
Chelsea look like they've got a couple more gears left in the locker.
Flo literally turned Taricco inside-out. (Trevor Francis)
Now Manchester United are 2-1 down on aggregate, they are in a better
position than when they started the game at 1-1. (Ron Atkinson)
That was a needle through the haystack job. (Clive Allen)
All the cul-de-sacs are closed for Scotland. (Joe Jordan)
Hearts are now playing with a five man back four. (Alan McInally)
The tackles are coming in thick and thin. (Alan Brazil)
Huddersfield will want to win this one. (Ron Atkinson)
He's like all great players - he's not a great player yet. (Trevor
If that ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal. (Antonio
Historically, the host nations do well in Euro 2000. (Trevor Brooking)
That was Pele's strength - holding people off with his arm. (Ron
For Burnley to win they are going to have to score. (Chris Kamara)
It was easier to miss than score. (Clive Allen)
We're calling him the young player of the year, but he's only 20
years old. (Alan McInally)
Stoichkov's playing on the wing, in this situation he likes to come
in and scalp the centre-half. (Ron Atkinson)
Dunfermline have a difficult month ahead over the coming 2 or 3
weeks. (Dick Campbell)
[He's] the equivalent of the Spanish David Beckham. (Ron Atkinson)
A ten-foot keeper really should have stopped that. (Ron Atkinson)
The team must try to get their ship back on the road. (Ray Wilkins)
That would have been the icing on his start. (David Pleat)
He's a two-legged tripod, if you know what I mean. (Graham Richards)
They only count when they go in the goal. (Chris Kamara)
Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin. (Chris Kamara)
I don't want to be either partial or impartial. (Frank McLintock)
If there's one thing Gus Uhlenbeek's got, it's pace and determination.
The problems at Wimbledon seem to be that the club has suffered
a loss of complacency. (Joe Kinnear)
They've been out a long time - credit them for getting back so quickly.
There's still 45 minutes to go - for both sides, I would guess.
If you were to name the top three goalkeepers in England, he’d be
pleased with that. (Paul Elliott)
If Plan A fails, they could always revert to Plan A. (Mark Lawrenson)
He was just about to pull the trigger on his left foot. (Terry Butcher)
It's his first cap, so he's not got a lot of experience at this
level. (Brian Marwood)
You either win or you lose. There's no in between. (Terry Venables)
He's looking around at himself. (Jimmy Greaves)
Oldham are leading 1-0, a well-deserved victory at this stage of
the game. (Tommy Docherty)
George will be happy with a draw - I know how ambitious and positive
he is. (Terry Neill)
Roy Keane, his face punches the air... (Alan Brazil)
He wasn't really trying to score with that shot. (David Pleat)
Scoring the first goal in soccer is very important, because your
opponent is then faced with the task of having to score one to draw
level and two to take the lead. (Graham Leggatt)
At 23, he ought to be around until 2006, if he can keep his head.
Those are the sort of doors that get opened if you don't close them.
And you don't score 118 goals in 120 games by missing from there.
...and tonight we have the added ingredient of Kenny Dalglish not
being here. (Martin Tyler)
Chris Waddle is off the pitch at the moment - exactly the position
he is at his most menacing. (Gerald Sinstadt)
Figo is as important to England as Beckham is. (Mark Lawrenson)
If they play together, you've got two of them. (Dion Dublin)
Romania are more Portuguese than German. (Barry Venison)
There's a little triangle - five left-footed players. (Ron Atkinson)
Two-nil was a dangerous lead to have... (Peter Beardsley)
England are numerically outnumbered in the midfield. (Mark Lawrenson)
Ilie has a deception of pace. (Glenn Hoddle)
I don't think he's a thousand percent mentally. (Eamonn Dunphy)
The 3-5-3 system isn't working for them. (Eamonn Dunphy)
He didn't get booked for the yellow card. (Frank Stapleton)
I tell you what, if the Cameroons get a goal back here they're literally
gonna catch on fire. (Ron Atkinson)
The ball could have gone anywhere and almost did. (Brian Marwood)
The first half was end-to-end stuff. In contrast, in this second
half it's been one end to the other. (Lou Macari)
It's got nothing to do with his ability. In fact, it has got to
do with his ability. (Barry Venison)
He hasn't been the normal Paul Scholes today, and he's not the only
one. (Alvin Martin)
Scotland don't have to score tonight, but they do have to win. (Billy
...the Derby fans walking home absolutely silent in their cars.
He hits it into the corner of the net as straight as a nut. (David
He has all-round, 365 degree vision. (Alan Mullery)
That was an inch perfect pass to no one. (Ray Wilkins)
He can be as good as he wants to be, that's how good he can be.
The front three are playing well in tandem. (Alan McInally)
He must be lightning slow. (Ron Atkinson)
It's real end-to-end stuff, but unfortunately it's all up at Forest's
end. (Chris Kamara)
There's a snap about Liverpool that just isn't there. (Ron Atkinson)
If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to
score a goal. (Jimmy Hill)
I'm not a believer in luck but I do believe you need it. (Alan Ball)
What will you do when you leave football, Jack... will you stay
in football? (Stuart Hall)
The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even
on a sunny day (Chris Jones)
I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left-winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better. (Ron Atkinson)
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been
a goal. (Dave Bassett)
You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without
being able to score goals. (Alan Green)
The lads really ran their socks into the ground. (Alex Ferguson)
...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of
their nine goals. (Tony Gubba)
..an excellent player, but he [Ian Wright] does have a black side.
We say 'educated left foot', of course, there are many players with
educated right foots. (Ron Jones)
In comparison, there's no comparison. (Ron Greenwood)
Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind
And I suppose they [Spurs] are nearer to being out of the FA Cup
now than any other time since the first half of this season, when
they weren't ever in it anyway. (John Motson)
I never make predictions and I never will. (Paul Gascoigne)
Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.
I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great
years. (Martin Hodge)
Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet.
They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads
in shame. (Ron Greenwood)
It's headed away by John Clark, using his head. (Derek Rae)
Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to
win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side. (Mike
You have got to miss them to score sometimes. (Dave Bassett)
Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut
forehead. (Tom Ferrie)
And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.
Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on. (Kevin
What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the
ball they are attacking their opponent's goal. (Jimmy Hill)
Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins. (Brian Moore)
I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way. (Ron Atkinson)
And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0. (Ian Darke)
Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with
his left foot. (Trevor Brooking)
Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the
air for even longer. (David Acfield)
What I said to them at half-time would be unprintable on the radio.
If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistent.
If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated
footballers. (Mick Lyons)
He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head. (Derek
The crowd think that Todd handled the ball ....they must have seen
something that nobody else did. (Barry Davies)
Glenn Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson.
The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come
from the same place, play for the same club, and were discovered
by the same man. (Norman Whiteside)
Interviewer: Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?
David Beckham: Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and
occasionally on the left side.
I was disappointed to leave Spurs, but quite pleased I did. (Steve
Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run
of play. (Peter Lorenzo)
Celtic were at one time nine points ahead but somewhere along the
road their ship went off the rails. (Richard Park)
I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.
He'd no alternative but to make a needless tackle. (Paul Elliott)
The boss keeps those things up his sleeve, close to his chest. (Craig
The left foot has helped - it has always been there but I haven't
always had the chance to use it. (Stig Inge Bjornebeye)
The manager has given us unbelievable belief. (Paul Merson)
If you don't believe you can win there is no point in getting out
of bed at the end of the day. (Neville Southall)
If you never concede a goal you're going to win more games than
you lose. (Bibby Moore)
I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.
It was like deja vu all over again. (Shaka Hislop)
We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalised. (Ian McNail)
He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see
it all over their faces. (Ron Atkinson)
Liverpool will be without Kvarme tonight – he is illegible. (Jimmy
And the bald head of John Sillett leaps from the bench. (Stuart
Such a positive move by Uruguay – bringing 2 players off and putting
2 players on. (John Helm)
He was in the right place at the right time, but he might have been
elsewhere on a different afternoon. ((Tony Gubba)
Martin O’Neill, standing hands on hips, stroking his chin. (Mike
That was only a yard away from being an inch-perfect pass. (Murdo
This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they
can get an equaliser. (Alan Green)
When I said they’d scored two goals, of course I meant they’d scored
one. (George Hamilton)
One or two of their players aren’t getting any younger. (Clive Tyldesley)
A win tonight is the minimum City must achieve. (Alan Parry)
. He had an eternity to play that ball, but he took too long over
it. (Martin Tyler)
He caught that with the outside of his instep. (George Hamilton)
I don’t know if that result’s enough to lift Birmingham off the
bottom of the table, although it’ll certainly take them above Sunderland.
There’s no telling what the score will be if this one goes in. (George
John Moncur has been much more effective since he came on. (Alan
John Arne Riise was deservedly blown up for that foul. (Alan Green)
Liverpool are currently half way through an unbeaten twelve-match
run. (Alan Parry)
Neither side wants to do anything silly at this stage, except score.
Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with hands in his tracksuit
bottoms scratching his head. (Graham McGarry)
Here’s Henry, trying to burst the bubble still further, if indeed
it needs more bursting. (George Hamilton)
And now the goals from Carrow Road, where the game finished 0-0.
Chesterfield 1 Chester 1 – another score draw in the local derby.
People will look at Bowyer and Woodgate and say “Well there’s no
mud without flames”. (Gordon Taylor)
The match was settled either side of half-time. (John Motson)
The unexpected is always likely to happen. (John Motson)
They [Rosenborg] have won 66 games and they’ve scored in all of
them. (Brian Moore)
Bryan Robson wears his shirt on his sleeve. (Brian Moore)
Mark Ward has only got size 5 boots but he sure packs a hell of
a punch with them. (Brian Moore)
Never go for a 50-50 ball unless you’re 80-20 sure of winning it.
He went through a non-existent gap. (Clive Tyldesley)
The difference between right and wrong is often not more than five
metres. (Johan Cruyff)
Soccer Quotes (Anonymous)
It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday. (Radio
If there's a weakness in Chelsea's defence, it's in their defence.
The Bulgarian team are here with a relatively 'old' squad. They
impressed at USA '94, but, well, they're four years older now, most
of them. (CBS commentator)
One or two people are streaming away. (Radio 5 Live)
...he's using his favourite left foot. (ITV commentator)
30 minutes to go, and it's still 1-0 apiece.
Experienced shoulders on a young head.
And in the other day's football match, Manchester City and Norwich
drew love-all. (Radio Manchester)
The Cottagers' promotion hopes were dented after a 0-0 win with
QPR. (GLR newsreader)
It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday. (Radio
…..and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record.
John Harkes is going to Sheffield, Wednesday (New York Post 1993)
But Jim Leighton isn't a soccer player, he's a goalkeeper (Swedish
Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for
a guy to hang around in defence (New York Cosmos executive)
An English businessman was visiting the United States and heard
about a Red Indian Memory Man. He decided to try him out and said
to him “I realize that you may not be familiar with English sport
but do you know who won the 1952 F.A Cup Final?”. The memory man
thought for a few minutes and then replied “Newcastle 1-0”. The
Englishman was very impressed. Ten years later the Englishman was
again visiting the U.S and decided to see if the Red Indian Memory
man was still 'in business'. He approached the memory man, raised
his own hand palm forward and said “How!”. The memory man replied
“A diving header in the 82nd minute”.
A multi-millionaire decided to treat his three sons and asked the
first one what he would like. He asked for a train set and so his
father bought him the London Underground. His second son asked for
some CDs and so his father bought him Virgin Megastores. The third
son asked for a cowboy outfit and so his father bought him Everton
During the match the police caught a Fulham fan climbing over the
stadium wall. They made him go back in!
Tony Adams was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket
car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of
shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which
the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this mess,
don't ask me to sort it out!"
The Devil was constantly challenging St. Peter to a game of soccer,
but St. Peter refused until, one day, he discovered that a large
number of international players had recently entered Heaven. "Now
we'll have a game" he said. "You'll lose" said the Devil. "What
makes you so sure?" asked St. Peter. "Because", laughed the Devil.
"we have all the referees down here".
Silly Football Jokes
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!
What does Paul Ince’s mum make for Christmas?
Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Where do footballers dance?
At a football!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football
club. "Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter "They were
right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to
shake them off at the station!"
Manager: Twenty teams in the Division and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Captain: There could have been more teams in the Division!
Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!
What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!
Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!
What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!
What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
A man drives up to a river bridge and sees that the bridge is in
need of repair so he says to an old man who is sitting on a wall
"Will it be OK to drive through the water?" and gets the reply "Should
be". When he drives into the water his car suddenly sinks and the
driver swims back to the river bank. He turns to the old man and
says "You idiot. It must be at least 12 feet deep. Why did you say
it was OK for me to cross?" and the old man says "Well, it only
comes half way up the ducks".
A man goes into an Indian restaurant and looks at the menu. He is
puzzled by one dish on offer and asks the waiter "What is Lamb Tarka?
Don't you mean Lamb Tikka?". The waiter replies "No sir. It is similar
to Lamb Tikka but a little 'otter".
Man: Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
Doctor: It seem that you are suffering from Tom Jones Syndrome.
Man: Is it rare?
Doctor: Well....it's not unusual.
A secondary school student asks his teacher "Would you punish someone
for something that they hadn't done?". The teacher replies "Of course
not". The student says "Good, because I haven't done my homework".
Did you hear about the devil-worshipping dyslexic?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Doctor: Nurse, did you take this patient's temperature?
Nurse: No doctor. Is it missing?
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes
into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed
and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three
engines left". Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One
more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer.
But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the captain
announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three
hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde
looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more
engine, we'll be up here all day"
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